I know I usually write about fitness but today I felt the need to get a little bit personal. I realize that most of you could care less about my personal life, but I know there is someone out there who struggles with the same thing and maybe after reading this they can put their aching heart at rest knowing they are not alone.
The past few days have been emotionally draining on me. I have had a heavy heart. I’ve been especially emotional. I’ve been exhausted. Honestly, I’ve been scared- it’s terrifying being a parent. I knew it would be and I tried to prepare myself, but nothing prepares you. I love my son so much. What if I make too many mistakes and it negatively effects his future. What if he doesn’t fit in and gets made fun of? I absolutely couldn’t take it. It breaks my heart just thinking about the pain he could endure and it hasn’t even happened yet. A knot grows in the pit of my stomach because I am absolutely petrified that I am not strong enough for this. Then I realize that it makes no difference if I am strong enough or not because I have to suck it up and do it. Now is certainly not the time to crawl in a hole and worry about the what ifs and the inevitable heartache that both of us will go through along the way.
My job now is to be the best mother I can be. To be patient and empathetic. To be selfless and loving. To be a strong, positive role model for my son. To ALWAYS be a loving figure in his life that he can turn to when he feels like he has no one else.
I must rely on my faith for all of these things. Sometimes I forget I have the greatest parent of all guiding my way and shining a light on my path; showing me how to be the parent Joseph needs to live a happy life filled with love and meaning.
I struggle everyday with these anxieties and not letting them consume my thoughts- I know they mustn’t because your thoughts become who you are. I have to make a conscious effort to alter my thoughts and think positively, but the more I do this the easier it gets.
So I will do this everyday- make a conscious effort. It will get easier to automatically have the positive thoughts flowing. Until then I will just take it one day at a time.